the shocker
I got my temporary crowns put in yesterday. The procedure wasn’t bad at all, but the bill at the end was a shocker I hadn’t anticipated. The permanent crowns will be done in a month or so.
Aside from that dental billing fun, I’m really not doing so well. I’ve been talking about my loneliness and although this might sound counterintuitive, I think I need to be alone. I’m such a tangled mess of misfiring neurons and synapses. My temper has been bad, I’m not sleeping, and bringing that onto someone else is just not fair. So, I guess I’m back to that fuck love thing for now, at least.
Last night, I did my best to take it easy – did laundry, helped babysit the NitroVideo PHP and MySQL upgrade, read another 100 pages of A Fine Balance, talked to the kids, watched the Flyers suck ass against the Caps, and finished watching City of God (which was fucking amazing).
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:41 am
there’s a difference between loneliness and being alone. one of them can be very therapeutic. i wish you the peace you seek in each of the situations.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:02 am
lime – peace would kick ass… wait, peace isn’t supposed to kick ass is it?
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:03 am
What Lime said – I really think that being comfortably on one’s own is huge before being ready to be together with someone else.
Of course, I can’t imagine how you could be anything other than depressed while reading A Fine Balance….
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:12 am
Chris – that’s another part of my problem. i need to be alone to be ready to receive love and yet i hate myself.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:23 am
You know, I was where you are before I met Shawn (almost where you are cause nothing is exactly the same) and my emotions and nerves got the best of me. I just started embracing being alone, figuring that is exactly what I wanted. My friends were a great source for keeping the lonely feelings at bay too
.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:25 am
But you’re a smart, caring, active, attractive person. Feel the bloggy love!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:42 am
Hilly – I’m absolutely grateful for my friends, I know I’ll be fine eventually. I am a happy person that has had a wave of horrible knock me over bad.
Chris – i’m so unhappy with myself tho, that’s the thing, i see it and appreciate it, i’m just in a lot of pain right now
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:50 am
Swimming in the same troubled waters my friend…It’s become worse for me two years out, after the initial fall apart. It’s scary looking out at the horizon; searching for a new dream; looking back and there is no shore. We need a self-loving mantra sweetness, something that doesn’t make us cringe.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:19 am
I was never good at the in between being alone part. But like others have said, when you make your peace with yourself, I bet everything else will come together too. It sucks that you have to go through this though and I really wish I could take away your pain!
Your blog is educational. I had no idea that the hand gesture/action had a name. You got it at the dentist? My dentist might be behind the times.
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
Sorry. I believe in you Van. This is really just a moment in time. You will climb out of this winter of loss.
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:56 am
Dude. They were talking about The Shocker today on the radio. My local station’s morning guys are a bunch of horny pervs.
Sorry about the shocker. Seriously. I know – I have crowns myself.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I agree being alone and feeling lonely aren’t always the same. Can you talk to your doctor about the not sleeping?
From Wiki: “The shocker is generally referred to as being “given,” “thrown up,” “delivered,” or “popped” rather than “shown”, as with “the finger”.
Good to know. I might have said “I showed him the shocker.” I hate sounding like an idiot.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:36 pm
lu – can i use my new canoe in these waters? if so, i’ll pick you up and we can lob water balloons at all the fucking fuckers
tori – give your dentist the shocker, he will appreciate it, in only the way dentists can
On a Limb with Claudia – i know i’ll get there, it’s just tough to get down this road right now and i feel like bitching about the road
mamatulip – the shocker is the new king of all media
Greata – yeah, because when you’re about to sodomize someone you don’t want to sound like a moron
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I am new here so I will not comment much untill I learn what’s really going on. I do love our homepage, especially your tagline about children.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Yeah, I agree with Chris; A Fine Balance is no way to get happy. Nor is dentistry. Or anal probes. But canoeing? That could maybe help. A little.
I’m sorry things are rough for you right now. You still manage to bring the funny in every comment of yours I read on any blog, and I appreciate your ability to do that.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I’m sorry that you’re lonely. I am sending lots of bloggy love your way. You need it as much as anyone else in the world who needs it.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Hell yes, you can use your new canoe–
fucking fuckers…that should be part of the mantra.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it’s taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair.
hate the singer, hate the singing, but don’t hate the guitarist.
the thing is that there’s this period where we want to be ready. badly. and we’re not. and we figure it out. and then we are again. it’s like the circle of life or some other profound disney tune.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Welcome Chris, I’ve been here for months and I STILL don’t know what’s going on
FB…TOTALLY! In fact, I think that’s item #2 on my Sodomy 101 syllabus. Right after the vaseline/astroglide debate (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astroglide). Also…Barbara Walters weighed in so it’s totally all newsy and scientific!)
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Chris – welcome to my mess and thank you
Gwen – it’s a defense mechanism, i’m fairly difficult to hold down and make me be serious. just ask flutter, she’ll post a heart wrenching introspective diatribe and i’ll post a comment about farts or poo, because that’s the way i roll
april – that’s not true. in spite of my sadery, there are millions of people on this planet that would give up all their worldly possessions to have my worst day
lu – i think we’re onto something, or on something… whatevs
liv – oh no, you Mayer’d my comments… the penalty is a shocker delivered via a giant foam finger. if you see Franki show up to your door with one hand behind her back, run.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Greata – barbara wawa knows full well the power of the shocker.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Rockin’ the Shocker… I swear I love your page more and more every time I come. Visit it, I mean.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Hey Van, I’m saying this because I care about you man… You’re depressed. You need to get some help. My doctor put me on Celexa and it has helped tremendously. Back when we moved and all that shit was falling apart in the house, when Hoop got into a car accident (twice), I quit smoking, and his Grandfather died. I pretty much lost my shit. Something has to give and it can’t be you anymore.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I confess I didn’t read all the comments so if I repeat, well then you’re getting a second dose.
A: sometimes feeling the pain is exactly what needs to happen. If it gets acknowledged, understood then it can pass. But, this is important, you have to let it pass.
B: that Tink girl is very wise for her age. Help is good.
C: alone is also good at times. Not scary, shitty, tucked away from the world on purpose alone. But relationship alone to sort out the insides and untangle the mess is a healing tool. Remember, socializing good. Tucking away bad.
Hang in DudeBall.
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:14 pm
My husband’s dad was young and vibrant and healthy when he was dx with brain cancer. We lost him five months later. Then, my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly a month later. The last two years have been a battle in more ways than one. Be patient with yourself and good to yourself and take it easy. Growing up sucks sometimes.
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:18 pm
There is nothing wrong with needing and/or wanting to be alone. Sometimes it is absolutely necessary. And I must confess that even as a newly wed I still crave moments of solitude. Waking up at 5:30 a.m. on a Saturday is something a gift! Ten minute showers are a blessing.
You have been through far too much for one person to have to handle in a short time. Your heart strings are stretched to the limit and it is a wonder you haven’t snapped completely. Fortunately, you have found strength in your children, friends and family. But you know in all honesty I wish you would freak out, scream, go crazy, write a post in a caps, bold or something and throw paint on a wall. I don’t know, anything. We don’t expect you to be anything more than human, I wish you wouldn’t expect it of yourself.
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Well with an attitude like “fuck love” how can it NOT just come flowing to you?
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Granola-grrrl – i have no response to that…
Tink – i am on an anti-depressant, and will be going back to the grief therapist i was seeing before, you’re very right
Maggie – all good thoughts and i do agree with you, alone is a good thing and i think i need it for a bit. not necessarily for long perhaps, but i need to regroup
Angela – ouch, that’s a tough month and yes all this grown up stuff is not as cool as the brochure stated
Christy – HOW ABOUT JUST A COMMENT!!! WOOOO!!! okay that’s enough of that
flutter – well there’s two ways to read that statement isn’t there? it could also mean a love of fucking. seriously.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
There are as many nice available ladies out there as there guys like you. Lots of hard work finding the right one. Sometimes they fall in your lap and sometimes you have to search diligently. I’m thinking about you and hoping, Van.
If you need another project, I need a programmer for a music theory widget. You interested in working on that with me? E-mail me if you are..
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:03 pm
HOLY SHIT THE FLYERS JUST WON!!!!
(umm off topic I know but WOO HOO!)
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Gawd where are my manners? *blush*
I’m sorry to hear about your “shocker” experience and that was it was dental related and not more like the pink glove pic you have up. NICE btw.
I know you are going thru a sucky time right now and for that I am truly sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make ya feel better or like wiggle my nose or something but I’m afraid it aint that easy, bud. However, you have a ton of people who are in your corner and for what its worth we do like to try to keep your spirits up with corny jokes and pervo comments
— oh maybe I’m the only one who makes corny jokes and pervo comments?? Eh, I digress.
What I’m saying is that you are my cyber blog buddy and fellow hockey fan so let me know if ya need anything and I’ll do my best to provide.
And yes, there ARE some decent chix out there….somewhere …. although I’m told there are decent guys out there too but… well, thats another discussion
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 pm
How is it possible I got thrown under the person-most-likely-to show-up-at-your-door-behind-my-back-cuz-i’ve-got-a-shocker bus? Miss a few days and see what happens!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:11 pm
you do need to be alone for awhile ..
After my last divorce it took a few years ( yes i said years) to clear up my head..
i’m not saying you need years..but ..eh
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Sending you bloggy love and virtual hugs.. I’m truly sorry that things are so hard right now.
April 23rd, 2008 at 6:00 am
But you still need the love that I sent you as much as they do….Anyway, I hope that you’re doing better today. Summer is getting closer!!!! I was looking for you on myspace the other day, and I saw some pics of the carnival on the water….what’s that called again? Anyway, it looked like a lot of fun. When do they do that?? I’ll bet that the kiddos love it.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:33 am
Sorry things are so tough right now. And I wish I could find something perfect to say, or have the perfect advice to give, but it’s pretty much all been said by all these wonderful people. Hang in there dude, thing’ll get better.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:34 am
(((Van))) Being alone to sort things out is sometimes what we need the most. Fwiw, I am so glad to know you, and hope things feel better for you soon.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:34 am
Is that pink hand a sex toy designed for double duty? It sure looks like it.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:13 am
Bud – I’ll be in touch, that sounds fun
unstableblogger – I can’t believe they won that game, I thought the Caps were owning them in the third.
Franki – but you’re so short, you fit so nicely under buses
Cynnie – I know, I need the time alone, a lot of people get out of marriages and hop right into another relationship, which doubly fucks them
sugarplumsmom – thank you amiga
april – that’s Canoe Carnival, it’s awesome, all the trails (yes, we call streets trails here) are closed off and everybody gets drunk
Jazz – yeah, i know and i appreciate your words, it will get better, otherwise i get my pizza free
canarygirl – i still want you to mail me some food
Johnny Smoke – you got it, that’s the shocker
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:19 am
The Flyers may have sucked butt on Monday, but they showed up last night! Keep your chin up – you have a Flyers team that has made it to the second round of the playoffs, and the Phillies have the stud MVP candidate beating the tar out of the ball right now.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:04 am
Marty – they showed up in a big way. and the Phils are finally over .500 too
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Guess we all handle grief in our own way Van. When my last relationship ended I tried to hold on to a daily routine and slowly witnessed time taking away the rough edges.
April 25th, 2008 at 5:43 am
If you send me your address, I will totally send you some food. Seriously.
April 26th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Dentists suck, but I guess they’re a necessary evil.
I’ll direct you again to Gallows and their song “I Promise This Won’t Hurt”:
Take these teeth
All they do is fucking cause me grief
They ain’t working for me
I can’t even think.
When the lights go on
I grip this chair
I don’t feel so strong
Anything could happen, it could all go wrong.
All those wasted nights
All the times when I lost the fights
Are right before my fucking eyes in print.
The figure on this fucking page
Has wiped the smile right off my face:
Eight hundred pounds is a lot to pay when you’re skint.
Take these teeth
Just for a second I need some fucking relief
They’re keeping me awake and I can’t sleep.
Can you drain the blood?
I’ve swallowed so much I think I want to throw up.
Can’t you see that I’ve had enough?
Can you drain the blood from my fucking mouth?