doubt
Here’s where I ramble off a bunch of shit I did… I finally updated my design page to hopefully drum up some more business. I made some small fixes to Climate Skateboards. Updated the theme to Nude Celebrity Sex Videos youtube portal thingy… and as you can guess by the title, that’s a Christian flea market, mostly selling hand sewn wallets and keychain thingies with bible verses on them… I fixed a couple of issues with the MySQL DB for Sageth.
Behind all this work, I’m not doing well. If you’ve been reading me since I got fired a little over a month ago, it sounds like I’m working my ass off (and I am), but I’m running into partnership opportunities, not real paying gigs. These partnerships are all valid and I do believe these will bear fruit (as long as I keep the iron in the fire long enough?), but there are bills to pay and waiting months for irony fruit is just not going to work.
In the meantime, I’m terrified to do anything but work. I need to keep on doing what I am doing and look for some different means to bring in more work. I know I’m doing the right thing now, I’m just doubting myself. One good side effect from my ex returning has been the kids have been with her a lot. I don’t want them to see me like this. They need to know their Dad is confident and conquering the world, not worrying about paying his property taxes. And when not working all day long, his head is buried in his hands from worry.
Movie reviews…
I Love You, Man – I’ve checked the movie credits and somehow, Judd Apatow is not involved in this film… wait, let me …. nope, not even a Key Grip. As stupid as I find the whole bromance notion, this film is fucking hilarious. Better than Role Models, and unlike some Apatow movies (I know, I know … I just can’t believe that this isn’t an Apatow movie) the supporting cast is more than a bunch of cameos (“hey that’s the guy from Reno 911″) – Jaime Pressly, Jon Favreau, Jane Curtin, Rashida Jones, Andy Samberg, Thomas Lennon, Jason Segel, and Rush. “This is the man cave, there’s no women allowed in here. I got a jerk-off station for God’s sake.”
- Young Cons Anthem
- Garfunkle & Oates – Pregnant Women are Smug, Fuck You, and Worst Song Melody
- @hellobigfoot
- Pick the Perp
- Ruined Endings
May 30th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I cannot imagine how scary the space you’re occupying is. As bad as it seems and as bad as it is, it’s not the sum of who you are, what you’re about, or your future.
Your children don’t need a mighty conqueror. How much more valuable is it to see dad facing some big problems and doing so to the best of his ability? We try to shield our children from the reality of our lives when really they need to see it so that when life deals them their own load of troubles, they’ll know that it’s OK to feel despair and anger and doubt on the way to finding a way out or through. Being strong doesn’t mean we’ve never been broken. It means we haul our broken selves forward on faith that one day, things WILL be better.
Van, I believe in you. Bills or not. Job or not. Property taxes and good credit rating or not. Who you are is not defined by your circumstances. Hang on.
V-Grrrl last blog post..Going in circles
May 30th, 2009 at 11:39 am
V-Grrrl – thanks, I’m doing my best to recognize this for what it is, it’s just doubt. I’m working hard and the past has shown me that will eventually result in the rewards i’m seeking.
May 30th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
*hug* Hang in there, Vandaman.
May 30th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Chris – doing my best, thanks amiga
May 30th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
That terror is keeping you focused. The focus is keeping the work coming. This all sucks, but you’ve got an inner strength which has gotten you through so much, and will get you through this. So, what can I do to help?
Carolyn last blog post..Really???
May 30th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Honey. Picture the “hang in there” kitty. Then, in your head, set him on fire. It will make you feel better.
I’ve got you in my thoughts. “Hang in there.” Or something vaguely less Hallmarkish, but well-meant and intended.
Kelley last blog post..It’s Getting Better All The Time..
May 31st, 2009 at 7:54 am
When economic reality bites, we all feel despair, anger and doubt Van: it’s only human.
Unfortunately, many of us (excluding those for whom life is a free ride) are defined by our circumstances – claiming otherwise is for those who are rich enough to negate reality.
Sure, we can put up a fake smile and pretend we’re in Disneyland, but with an effective 20% unemployment rate ( source: http://www.shadowstats.com/alternate_data ), everyone who needs to pay the bills would feel utterly uncomfortable and even shaken.
My SO has no job (won’t find any) and has serious issues paying his rent and bills:
trust me, I know what you’re going through. You’re doing the best you can and I’m convinced everyone you care for knows.
We can all only hope we get a lucky break.
But I won’t even pretend I have a solution.
Peter last blog post..Antwerp 2009 “Sinksenfoor” funfair opening night
May 31st, 2009 at 10:37 am
The unknown is just plain scary. It’s extra scary when it involves the ability to merely squeak by. I have one more paycheck and the the layoff. I am with you, Homeslice. Fingers crossed double tight.
May 31st, 2009 at 10:49 am
Carolyn – you’re very much right, and the truth is that once the checks come in, I will be able to “relax”, definitely don’t want to take my foot off the gas pedal, but at least feel some peace. how about you and Lee come over for beers some time?
Kelley – can i use a flame thrower? i love flame throwers
Peter – doing my best to “just keep swimming”
dyna girl – this is our song… or hope it will be… I Love the Unknown
June 1st, 2009 at 7:35 am
I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say other than that I am thinking good thoughts for you and that if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know! I have faith that you will get through this and that faith is because you are such a wonderful person who is working his butt off to get there. Bills and money are such a stress in a lot of peoples lives right now and it really sucks.
tori last blog post..Peanut Butter Cups
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
i’m so late getting around what with my bashed in noggin and all….hang in there, amigo. you’re good people and i am sure something good is going to come your way. and the line about the website wares with keychains and all…priceless (especially since as the crafts coordinator for my church’s summer bible school thing i once suggested having the kids make penis gourds…yeah, i’m twisted but they keep asking me back for some strange reason)
lime last blog post..Hit Me With Your Best Shot…But Only Metaphorically